so ive been thinking.  there are a few girls ive been wanting to ask out, yet i dont im terrified to do so.  probably because im afraid they will turn me down.  anways, ive been thinking, maybe i should go to each one, and just ask them out, each and everyone.  ya, it might create some strange situations, but whatever.  no sense to always be wondering what would have happened, rather than going to sleep not having to worry about if they would go out with me.  fuck it, im ganna to do it, call it i a new years resolution or whatever, i dont give a fuck.  i will ask every one of them.  ill grow some fucking balls and stop worrying about what could happen.  im so sick of being alone, and i cant expect people to do it for me.  its time i do myself a favor and do it myself

the need to be with some one, to be cared and loved, to be part of something, to actually matter, is overpowering.  in my opinion, is one of the major driving forces of human behavior.  people strive to gain attention, to become noticed.  the feeling of being left out is rather terrible, and the sickening loneliness that accompanies it is even worse. frankly, i dont think anyone would want that.  think about it, u are alone in the world, no one cares or knows of your existence.  it really does not matter if are a genius, or an incredible artist, nothing matters.  what would be the purpose of living, of even existing?  sure, life's great and all, but what if you found out that nothing you did mattered? would u still be so ready to live.  truthfully, it might depend on the person, but i doubt life will be as fruitful knowing your entire existance will go unoticed.

 i believe it all comes down to one fundamental truth, death.  the greatest unknown of the universe.  humankind fears it, thus much of human behavior seems to be based around this fact.  and it is not only limited to the need to be known.  religion, one of the cornerstones of human history, originated from death. much of the world believes in the existance of a greater power, and the afterlife.  the eternal human essence.  most people fear death, for they do not really know what will happen.  so they turn to religion, as a source for comfort and relief.  its a scary thing to think about, at the point of your death, you simply fade into non-existance.  everything you knew, did, and dreamed of gone.  frankly, i think thats worse than the Christian hell.  the truth is no one really knows what happens at death, since no one has died and come back to tell the tale (NDE dont count).  no one, and i mean no one, will know what happens past the point of death until they experience it themselves.  hell, there might even be a god, how the hell would i know.  the point is, no one can claim anything until there dead.  that means the bible,  the koran, whatever, its all a bunch of words some zealot thorough together in a fit of madness.

hey, thats my own damn opinion, so dont start threatening me with eternal hellfire.  i dont want to hear it

 this game, by far, is one of the most troublesome and , sometimes, inspiring self games i know.  but in my case, it usually only causes depression and paranoia. and yet i still play the game.  i suppose its a form of release or mediatation for me, but maybe its just my overactive imagination.

there is this girl that i have become good friends with.  for her sake (and mine) i wont mention any names. anyways, once upon a time, long long ago, i had  a simple harmless crush on her.  but not anymore, now its beyond a simple crush.  i like her, i like her alot.  much more than is healthy for me.  now, you might be saying "why dont you just ask her out??".  and i would, but here the clincher;  shes already taken.  and she seems to love him, alot.  and the person shes dating, hes a great kid.  mind u, a bit strange at times, but a good person in general;  good enough that i consider him a close friend.  yet everytime i see them together, my stomach turns.  i watch them together, and they are a beautiful couple.  yet it upsets me, disturbs me in fact, to know that even if i have feelings for her, i will never be able to express them.  besides being there for her as a friend, i can do nothing.  i want to tell her, yet i hold myself back.  the last thing i want to happen is for me to say something that would screw over our freindship.  and so i hold back, and instead tell you

and thus we come to my most hated and favorite game.  i have been wondering lately, what if she never went out with him?  what if she was still single to this day? would i try and date her? would our relationship actually work?  so many questions, yet all i can give is guesses.  yes, if she was still single, i would attempt to go out with her.  and if she accepted?, well, even i dont know what would happen after that.  but i can see myself with her, laughing with her, caring for her,  loving her.  but the doubts still linger.  even if something happens, and they break up, i would not just immediately ask her out.  no, i would be there for her as a freind, and nothing more.  it saddens me deeply, i wish i could just yell it out to her, to someone, to everyone.  but that would just destroy the freindship i have with her, and would progress me nowhere.

so yes, im starting to fall into love with her.  a dangerous word to say in such a situation.  and the great thing about it all, as far as i know, im alone in those feelings.  whats with me and falling for all the wrong girls?  maybe its just my bad people skills, but w/e.  i will continue to treat her as a close freind, and just deal with it.  and she will continue to go on without ever knowing...

maybe thats my problem, maybe she does need to know.  holding it in will only destroy me.  it might cuase a rather rough freindship in the future, but maybe things will get better.  but i do want to say one thing,  i want her to stay with her current bf.  he is a wonderful person, and she seems to be so happy with him.  the last thing i would want to see is her crushed and fall into a deep depression from a bad breakup.  it hurts me greatly to see her in pain, and thats the last thing i would want to happen.

    its been a few months since i broke up with my ex, yet im still depressed about it.  its not that i miss her, because i dont.  in fact, one thing i am happy about is getting her out of my life.  i just miss having a girlfriend; being loved and cared for; actually mattering to someone.  it was a wonderful feeling to have someone you could care for and love.  yet all that is gone now.

i suppose i really have not gotten over her if im still talking about her.  before i met her, i never knew what it meant to love.  she was my first girlfriend, and she was the first woman i ever loved.  but things fell apart.  i was depressed during the latter part of the relationship, and she just didnt seem to care. im not sure if it was a mistake to get into a relationship with her.  i was desperate then, and im still desperate now.  but at least i have learned from my mistakes.